What Will Love Give You?
Did you grow up believing that if only someone REALLY loved you in the way you needed to be loved, then you would feel happy, safe, lovable and worthy?
Certainly being truly loved by parents goes a long way toward supporting children in feeling safe and lovable, but it is not the whole story. Even if your parents did love you the way you needed to be loved, if they didn't role-model loving themselves, then it is likely you absorbed their forms of self-abandonment - judging themselves, turning to various addictions to manage their feelings, and making others responsible for their feelings and sense of worth.
My parents did the best they could, but their best was far from what I needed to feel loved, safe and worthy. Additionally, they role-modeled many forms of self-abandonment which I incorporated into my survival mechanisms.
I grew up believing that if only a man would really see me and deeply value what he saw - and if he was consistently warm, caring, open, honest, gentle, tender, compassionate and sensitive, I would finally feel safe and worthy. I believed that his love is what I needed to feel happy and lovable.
The problem was that, even when he was being loving, I had learned to be so unloving to myself that his love barely made a dent in my sense of worth. I was right that love could give me all that I sought, but I was mistaken about where the love needed to come from.
External Love, Internal Love
External love feels wonderful, and the sharing of love with another is, in my experience, the highest experience in life. But as long as I was abandoning myself with my self-judgments; staying in my mind and ignoring my feelings; giving myself up to care-take others in the hopes they would love me; getting angry when I didn't get the love I wanted; crying and being a victim as a form of control; and turning to various addictions such as food, worry and perfectionism, I was unhappy. It took me many years of searching for answers to understand that, until I learned to give myself the love I needed, not only was I unable to share love with another, but another's love was the icing on the cake - not the cake itself.
My love for myself needed to form the foundation of my sense of worth, safety and lovability. Realizing this many years ago has brought about profound changes in my life. Now I am the one who is consistently warm, caring, open, honest, gentle, tender, compassionate and sensitive with myself, and the more I am able to be this with myself, the more I am able to be this with others as well.
If you think about it, it makes so much sense that, as adults, someone else can never be the consistent source of love that we all need. No one is with me 24/7, and even if they are a caring and sensitive person, they do not live inside my body and cannot know what I feel and need, moment by moment. As much as I would have loved for my fantasy to be true, there is no way it can be true. It took me time to fully accept this and let go of the hope of getting the love I needed from someone, but now I truly treasure the sacred privilege of taking loving care of my own body, mind and soul.
The love I need is always here for me, for this is what Spirit is. When my intent is to be loving to myself, the love that is Spirit and the wisdom to take loving action in my own behalf, enter my consciousness. Being loving to myself and sharing my love with others is a much more fulfilling way to live than always trying to get love.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!
Three Tiers of Love - How to Create a Natural Love Filled Relationship
The Three Tiers of Relationships
1/ Friendship
2/ Love
3/ Relationship
Whether you are single and looking for love, or double and going through challenges in love, there is can be great advantage in understanding how relationships work, and a foolproof way of dealing with challenges in them.
Going through relationship challenges, the key is not to react. Learn to let go.
Love really is a non attachment. To love someone or something is to release it. Let them be themselves. To love a child is to release your expectations of them. To love your partner means unconditional. No matter where they are, no matter what they do, no matter what they did or didn't do. You love them. This is the truth
In times of challenge, go to the bleachers. Go sit in peace, if you release the bird, and it doesn't return, it wasn't yours. Let Karma play its hand.
Don't push and shove - learn to love.
You can gain allot of confidence in karma if you know you have done your best. By following the guidance of Sacred Love book, you know you are not the "cause" and therefore, you can trust Karma. Let the universe do what it must. Lay down your weapons. Trust Karma
If you grab you are interfering. If you reject you are interfering. Hold your space and deal with the emotions as they come up, without reaction or action. Hold the space of love, trust, that if you stay in this space, then Karma will play its hand.
All relationships must be founded on three things.
The ground must be solid and built on friendship. If there is friendship, then, the worst outcome of a fall from love is a beautiful place with a person we want to care for and love. So if there is drama, hold your lover as a friend. Offer friendship as an alternative to relationship. If you can't be friends with someone you want to be in a relationship with, then you have been revealed as a phoney. Friendship means to wish for someone's happiness and to do what you can to help them. If you can't be a friend to someone, how can you have a relationship with them? This is the base layer that needs to be real genuine and solid. In other words if you wouldn't be a friend of the person you are in a relationship with (if there was no relationship) then, really your relationship is killing you both.
The second tier, once friendship is established, is love. This sort of Love must be unconditional love. To love means to release and hold at the same time. Love is the willingness to let the bird fly and know if it is meant to be yours, it will return. This is the second tier. To know how to hold love for someone even if they don't want relationship with you is the gift of Innerwealth. Love is not a condition that is placed on someone. Unconditional love, the foundation for REAL relationships has no IF. There is no IF. There is no condition for the love that underpins a relationship. Love is the foundation from which the emotional and physical and conditional experience of relationship can grow. If you or your partner cannot understand this concept of unconditional love, then all that is built in relationship is temporary. Love must, in its purest form, be unconditional
The third tier is the relationship. A relationship that is based on friendship, motivated by love, has no where bad to fall. The worst that can happen is that you might end up holding love for a person you like, but don't have control over them. Relationship is the cream on the cake, the self satisfaction of a dynamic between two humans. Emotional. material, experiential and personal - a wonderful expression of all that underpins it. A relationship with someone is the crown, but it cannot be allowed to exist in the absence of a willingness to be a friend, and to love (therefore release) unconditionally. Relationship can come and go, but the willingness for friendship and love, are the truth that lives beneath it. Always know that the worst that can come, if relationship is lost, is that you get to love someone you like, but now, just can't control.
To be a good friend, you'll need to have a sense that your dreams, hopes and ambitions are your own. They are portable, adaptable and transferable. If they don't manifest in the company of one person, they will manifest in the company of others. Relationships are not there to cause your dreams to manifest. Relationships are a part of the process. Trust nature in this. Let her guide you, learn to adapt to the changing tides of life. Hold your dreams and purpose sacred, allow nature some hand in the dynamics through which they manifest.
To know love, unconditional love, is to understand the difference between your expectations and your love. People can reject your expectations they cannot reject your love. Hold your love cantered in your heart. Know that you can never stop loving someone you can only put your mind in the way. Practice this as instructed in Innerwealth - The book of love.
Relationship must be seen as the bubbles in the Champaign, the icing on the cake, the cream. The crown. Relationships built on friendship and love, are places of celebration. There is a health independence as only friends know. There is a healthy perspective, as only unconditional love can produce. There is a willingness to dance and struggle as only the provocation and intimacy of a relationship can create. This is relationship built on friendship, sustained by innerwealth, celebrated in intimacy.
Live with spirit
Chris Walker
http://www.chriswalker.com.au
Chris Walker is a world leading change agent, an environmentalist and author of more than 20 books. Born and bred in Australia, he consults to people and organisations throughout the world on improved relationships, health and lifestyle through the application of the Universal laws of Nature. The result he offers is that we stay balanced, share loving relationships, work with passion, enjoy success, and live our personal truth. To learn more about Chris’s work and journeys to Nepal, visit http://www.chriswalker.com.au
Are You Ready to Move On... February 13th is the Second Annual "Break Up with Your Ex" Day
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| Are you still secretly waiting for your ex to come back? |
Well this is the perfect time for you to break up with your ex and make some Valentine's Day Resolutions. That's right make some promises to yourself to change the relationships in your life. Find new love. Find the type of man you want to have in your life.
Develop A Positive Attitude Habit
By Shoshana Jackson
So often a break up triggers negative emotions. However to get past the emotional pain of a break up you need a positive attitude.
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